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coolname89
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Name: Josh
Country: United States
State: Tennessee
Metro: Memphis
Birthday: 8/24/1989
Gender: Male
Interests: Wolfpack 4 Life!
Expertise: Hacking, programming, technical computer stuff, refusing sleep when i need it, running, doing homework way fast when i do it, reading about court cases, finding out theological beliefs and debating them in my own head and then with others
Occupation: none
Message: message meEmail: email me
MSN: maverickjag@gmail.com
Member Since:
1/15/2005
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| "Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war."
-Julius Caesar
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| what is pain? heh...the only definition that comes to mind is the typical "pain is weakness leaving the body..." i used to think that was true... it mostly is... whether pain brings mental or physical strength, in some way most pain strengthens you. not today though. not now...or maybe it does. in this case im leaving the girl i gave up everything for to go away for 5 months. but maybe thats not such a bad thing in the end. yeah it hurts. but maybe because of it, i'll stop taking her for granted. its not that i don't love deb anymore. i do...every time i see her i think i must be the luckiest guy in the world... its like...every time its like christmas morning. like that minute when you wake up as a kid and you're groggy and don't realize what day it is and then you jump out of bed to run out and see what your parents gave you this year. every time i get to spend a second with her...its just like that. that moment when you know you are going to get something awesome but you don't know what yet. just...its like "i know its gonna be completely awesome to spend time with her...but i don't know what exactly will happen." an adventure in a way... but still...as happy as just spending 30 seconds when we can get away from a crowd makes me... too many times it seems like i take her for granted...like i don't act like she matters. i could make up a million excuses like "well im just depressed and i just seem like i don't care but i do..." or "im stressed out and it just makes me seem like i have too much on my mind to show i care." but none of that is true... i love her...i want to spend my life with her. i know that. but like my dad warned me "eventually you are going to feel trapped." i don't feel trapped by her...not at all. i feel trapped by the piss-poor decisions i've made that got me where i am...i did it so i could be with her...but in doing so i left her the one i could subconsciously blame. and in some aspects that passion we had at the beginning of our relationship is gone. not the love just the passion. the me being willing to walk through hell for another minute with her...its gone...now im just tired...i just feel like i've been in the ring too many rounds with someone too far out of my weight class. like i've just been hit so hard that i did black out for a few seconds and im just now fighting my way out of my unconscious state and trying to stand back up to make it another few seconds. to maybe somehow turn the fight around so that you are winning again like you were until the fourth or fifth round. deb is not the other boxer... life is... im fighting life. the man...whatever you want to call it. the invisible force that will always...ALWAYS find you at your seemingly strongest moment...and bring you to your knees... then when the crowd begins to boo and tell you to just quit, that you aren't worth them watching, you somehow find the strength to get back up knowing in your heart that you will be knocked back down. life is not about succeeding...everyone can succeed for a while but everyone is going to fail eventually. i have failed. i am on my knees and i don't want to get back up. but im living in a homeless veterans shelter... these guys never had the guts to get back up when life tore them down. life is about having the intestinal fortitude to get back up when someone has racked you, broken your nose, and jabbed you in the stomach so many times you've puked twice and have 7 broken ribs and 3 cracked ones. thats what life is. not about proving you are smarter or richer or have more cars or more rings or whatever people collect. life is about living for yourself. life is about getting to the end and looking back and saying "life did not stop me. i got back up" props to anyone that has read the Contender...if you haven't, read it. life is not about being the champion. its about being the contender. the guy that looks for the next fight, the next chance to move up...not the next chance to prove he deserves what he already has. it doesn't matter if you are a champion...you have to be a contender in everything. to quote Dale Earnhardt (who i can't wait to see in heaven), "In life no one gives you anything, you have to race for it." people expect too much of the world...like everyone around them owes them something. they owe you nothing. the only person that owes anything to you is yourself. and all you owe yourself is to "be all you can be." to stay up. when you're getting the crap beat out of you, to stick your chin out and say "hit me again!" to take whatever life spits at you and stand at the helm of your ship laughing. when your ship is sinking and you should surrender to say, as John Paul Jones did, "I have not yet begun to fight." you owe it to yourself to prove to yourself that you are better than you even think you can be. to make the most of every opportunity, to live life to its fullest. ok, well back on topic...that was a major tangent... i love deb...but i don't show it a lot of times when i really do know i care about her. im sorry for that...i really am. grrr its like idk...learning how to walk after being paralyzed for ten years. i am capable of showing how much i care and i do but it stays bottled inside too much...i can't remember how to take that first step...or if i take the first step, i collapse on the second or third step. so perhaps leaving is a good thing...i will love you, baby, the whole time i am gone. i will think about you every single night when i fall asleep. and when i get back...im going to have missed you so much that i may pick you up in the biggest hug ever and never let you go. if not u can be sure i'll show you a lot more love. i will have less stress and less crap going on around me. and we will both be more free to hang out and go places together then. it should be great.
what do you do when you know God created you to do two things that are seemingly at odds with each other? one hates the other and, while the other would take care of the one, its a job...so it doesn't really care. what do you do when your heart is torn in two? most of your heart being held be a woman who you want to spend your life with, but the other by a system she doesn't like, respect, or for that matter even understand. i can't explain it. i am loyal to this country to my death. but i would be loyal to her till even after death. i would trade my soul for her to go to heaven. for my country i would only give my life. idk... i've been listening to more Disturbed recently, and they've been making a lot more sense now haha.
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Sensation washes over me
I can’t describe it
Pain I felt so long ago
I don’t remember
Tear a hole so I can see
My devastation
Feelings from so long ago
I don’t remember
Holding on, to let them know
What’s given to me
To hide behind
The mask this time
And try to believe
Blind your eyes to what you see
You can’t embrace it
Leave it well enough alone
And don’t remember
Cut your pride and watch it bleed
You can’t deny it
Pain you know you can’t ignor
I don’t remember
Holding on, to let them know
What’s given to me
To hide behind
The mask this time
And try to believe
Blind your eyes to what you see
You can’t embrace it
Leave it well enough alone
And don’t remember
Cut your pride and watch it bleed
You can’t deny it
Pain you know you can’t ignor
I don’t remember
If I can
Remember
To know this will
Conquer me
If I can
Just walk alone
And try to escape
Into me
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yeah in a lot of ways i want to just escape inside myself for a while...to be alone enough that i can work through all this so i can give her all of me...but i don't have time. so i have to try to push everything out of my mind for now and give her whatever i can. my time is too limited. i cannot afford even a day alone. i leave wednesday to go to basic... heh, i can't even back out now if i wanted to. im a private in the United States Army Reserve... i have to obey every lawful order given...and i cannot bail out... so i have 3 days... 3 days to show her how much i care...i don't have time to deal with my own problems...but i need to before i start basic...i need a clear enough head that i don't get broken... haha...maybe the plane ride will give me enough time =P
INDESTRUCTIBLE
Another mission
The powers have called me away
Another time
To carry the colors again
My motivation
An oath I’ve sworn to defend
To win the honor
Of coming back home again
No explanation
Will matter after we begin
Another dark destroyer that’s buried within
My true vocation
And now my unfortunate friend
You will discover
A war you’re unable to win
I'll have you know
That I’ve become…
Indestructible
Determination that is incorruptible
From the other side
A terror to behold
Annihilation will be unavoidable
Every broken enemy will know
That their opponent had to be invincible
Take a last look around while you’re alive
I’m an indestructible master of war
Another reason
Another cause for me to fight
Another fuse uncovered
Now, for me to light
My dedication
To all that I’ve sworn to protect
I carry out my orders
With not a regret
A declaration
Embedded deep under my skin
A permanent reminder
Of how we began
No hesitation
When I am commanded to strike
You need to know
That you’re in for the fight of your life
You will be shown
How I've become....
Indestructible
Determination that is incorruptible
From the other side
A terror to behold
Annihilation will be unavoidable
Every broken enemy will know
That their opponent had to be invincible
Take a last look around while you’re alive
I’m an indestructible master of war
I'm...
Indestructible
Determination that is incorruptible
From the other side
A terror to behold
Annihilation will be unavoidable
Every broken enemy will know
That their opponent had to be invincible
Take a last look around while you’re alive
I am indestructible (indestructible)
Indestructible
Determination that is incorruptible
From the other side
A terror to behold
Annihilation will be unavoidable
Every broken enemy will know
That their opponent had to be invincible
Take a last look around while you’re alive
I’m an indestructible master of war
That song eerily echoes exactly what i want to do but don't know if i should...that is what my gut tells me i was created to do...no one has ever told me i needed to join the military...i just wanted to. because i believe in this nation. i believe in the Constitution. "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands ONE NATION UNDER GOD, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all." i used to say that over and over again...i would just sit there on my bed and say the Pledge of Allegiance...the thing i like most about it, is that it never puts the nation above God. It is clearly saying, "I am pledging allegiance to God first, then this nation." then i used to sing the national anthem when i was falling asleep...
Oh, say can you see,
By the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hailed
At the twilight's last gleaming,
Whose broad stripes and bright stars,
Through the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched
Were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare,
The bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night
That our flag was still there.
O, say, does that
Star-Spangled Banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free
And the home of the brave?
singing it still makes me start to tear up... that is what this nation is... i may not like certain aspects of this country...i may not like a lot of it...but when i hear those lines i can imagine Francis Scott Key standing away from Fort McHenry watching the battle all through the night from a hill or something...and then when he finally fell asleep, snapping awake because suddenly the fighting had stopped. as he jumped from the place he was laying, he turns to the nearest person and asks him if our beautiful flag is still flying. and his eyes are not just asking, but are begging the flag to still be flying. then no one can see if the flag is still flying...they finally find it and see it being pulled down from the flagpole and they all begin to panic, realizing the brave men and boys who had stood up to the British tyranny were dead. then slowly, a new flag is raised on the pole and as it unfurls into the wind, they see that it is still flying. we held the fort. i don't care about how abusive this government is, or how wrong they are. i don't fight for the government, i fight for the people. i don't fight for the liberals. i fight for those people that when they see that i am a soldier they say "thanks for everything you're doing." it doesn't matter that i have never been deployed...i am a part of something bigger than me, i am a representative of freedom and justice...they are not thanking me personally so much as they are thanking the entire military. there is no way for them to thank everyone, so they thank each soldier they see... and i want to thank them every time they do because if they didn't do that, i would have gotten discouraged long ago...too many people that i care too much about are telling me that what im doing is useless...that this country doesn't care about me so i shouldn't care about it. i am this country. i and everyone else. this country is people and, at least in the South, they respect and care about their soldiers. this country does care about me and even if it didn't i care more about what this nation stands for than anything else. i would defend what it stands for...and i am going to defend what it is. or more specifically, whoever lives in it. even those liberals in Berkeley who super-glued the recruiting office doors shut and tried to get the cops to throw the recruiters out of town...resulting in the calling out of the national guard, which made it so no one could do anything except get over the fact that the recruiters were there to stay. yes, i will defend them too...not by choice but i will... well i have to go because im getting yelled at again...
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| im completely in love with this one girl...she makes me smile everyday. she is beautiful and extremely fun to be around. like she can take anything and make it fun. she may kill me for posting this =P (please dont =D) her name is deb and i miss her a heck of a lot. a semester of school is a lot longer than it seems...an eternity one could even say. people always said hs went by slowly...well time has slowed to a crawl and this is the worst time possible for it to. i graduated from school in january so i don't know if this counts or not...but this last semester has been longer than my entire freshman and sophomore yrs combined... maybe the first half of junior too =P mca seems like it was literally a lifetime ago...and im looking forward to things changing again...not all change is bad...just this time it took me away from people and one person specifically that i really hated leaving.
deb, i love you.
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| ok, im in the us, its been cool. i want to get back but i get to chill with my family, like my cousin, not my parents, although they're cool too. um. i just ate some pumkin pie, and it was good. yeah. my cousin and i are going to Houston Skatepark Tommorrow i dont think thats spelled right but who cares. tomorow i will skate, today i could not because i suddenly didn't remmember anything from having not skated all summer, during football season, and during track season before all that. i wanted to skate over the sumer but i left my board at my cousins house and then went on on a trip and he wouldn't give it back and so i had to beeat him with it to get it back, and then his mom got mad and beat me and then gave the sakteboard back to him, so then i beat her and took it back, then his dad beat my and we all beat each other but now i have my board, although i broke it in half over my cousin's head. so i had to buy a new board anyway. yeah, he told me to write al that. basically, i went on a trip, left it with him, he broke it in half skating, and then he got me a new one but i had to wait till football season was over to use it. yeah. wakka. yargh, spiffy, uh whatever. yeah, i wrote all that for you Ben, you %&@%#& &#&@%#& *^#^^@* *#*@. don't ask what i was saying because i don't know. this is what happens when you stay up too late, too many nights in a row, you listen to your cousin too and you are on a break from school, oh yeah and you don't remmember how to skate. teri, we will skate and hang out when i get back, ok? Jen, chill with John like crazy, cause its gonna really stink not having you two there. Itll be weird too, i won't get ditched anymore. "this is the part of the blog where Daniel come out and write a silly thing." Fred, sorry i kind of wrecked your truck yesterday, you'll get over it eventually. I really did try using super glue but i couldn't get the transmissions to stay in the truck still. if you don't shift gears its fine, so just put it in neutral and try to uh, coast to wherever your going and try to avoid speed bumps. and no, im not paying for it since you lent me the truck, and you did say you didn't care about it anymore. ok, yeah, you'll probly kill me on moday but at least i had joey to help me get it to your house jonsey backfliped the hip yesterday at airzone woohoo my girlfriend is kindof fat but i am ok with that but if ther are any skinny girls out ther i am willing to trade any time i like fat but not to fat girls youk know "blumptous" wemon i like anyone who likes me you can contact me thru joshua gass i am semi available if you know what i mean i just notisd this is all one sentens so far um ok hold on il find the period button uhhm lets see ok oh here we go . woohoo one sentence here goes the second one or maybe not PS i like es's ok i have a strange cousin as you have now all figured out, im not sure who fred is and why his truck was wrecked by daniel, and i don't know about those uh, larger women and the es's are his shoes, but yeah, ok. i can live with all that as long as he doesn't write stuff under my name. ok, i have to go now. goodbye. | | |
| ok, I drank a tea today. that is about all I can remember... i slept till 11:30, um, ate something for lunch, and then sat around and did nothing, till i ate dinner and then got my tea. i have had an extremely boring day. i am staying in taipei where the only people i know were supposed to CALL ME (NIKI!!!), but haven't so i go back to mca tommorow and i have had a completely unproductive weekend. good night, i'm not going to bed but i have nothing else to write. e-mail me!!! i have had only spam mail for like forever...as mr. robart would say, "bye" | | |
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